Childhood is an essential phase of our whole life for it basically shapes our personality and behaviors. Almost all the choices we have made can be traced back to the influence our childhood has on us. Our love style, which includes our tendency and inclination of how we respond to our romantic partners, seems to be influenced by our childhood as well.
According to marriage and family counselors Dr. Milan and Kaye Yerkovich, our love styles are closely related to the way we were raised, and our love styles can be put into 5 categories accordingly.
Pleasers are often raised by parents who are obsessively protective, bad-tempered, and critical. Instead of receiving love and praise from their parents, pleaser children try hard not to bother their parents and always behave themselves. By giving in and making up for their mistakes quickly, their aim is to avoid provoking a negative response from their parent(s).
When pleasers grow up, they have learned to read the moods around them to make sure they can keep everyone happy. However, when pleasers are stressed out and think they are continuously disappointing someone, they tend to escape because pleasers always put others’ feelings in the first place.
To build a healthy relationship, pleasers should focus more on themselves.
Victims are often born in a chaotic environment. Being quiet and invisible, victims can hide themselves from their raging and violent parents for a moment. In their head, they often build an ideal place void of sorrow and pain. They usually have lower self-esteem and it is easy for them to be immersed in depression.
They usually end up marrying controllers who are like their parents. Since they are used to chaos, they may feel uncomfortable when they experience peace and calmness.
For victims, the first step is to love themselves.
In controllers’ childhood, they are exposed to insecurity and danger, which makes them feel vulnerable. Controllers must take control of everything because they believe in this way, feelings like fear, humiliation and helplessness are gone.
As they grow up, controllers often use anger as a weapon. They stick to their rigid schedules and feel pleased in their comfort zone. They tend to solve problems on their own in a certain manner, or they may get furious.
To form a healthy relationship, controllers need to learn how to let go and trust others.
The parents of vacillators are unpredictable. Children’s needs are not their priority, which brings vacillators the feelings of abandonment. As they enter their adulthood, what they desire is a stable and consistent relationship. Vacillators tend to picture the ideal relationship, but when it does not reach their standards, they feel doubtful and depressed. They are extremely sensitive and often feel misunderstood in relationships.
It is better for them to get to know others before committing too soon.
The value of the avoider’s home is usually independence and self-reliance, and thus they learn to take care of themselves at a rather young age. They need their personal space. They cherish logic more than emotions.
For avoiders, they need to learn how to open up and express their feelings and emotions.
If you are one of the mentioned love styles, try to figure out what you need to change and make yourself an ideal love life.