How Your Childhood Influences Your Love Style

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Childhood is an essential phase of our whole life for it basically shapes our personality and behaviors. Almost all the choices we have made can be traced back to the influence our childhood has on us. Our love style, which includes our tendency and inclination of how we respond to our romantic partners, seems to be influenced by our childhood as well.


According to marriage and family counselors Dr. Milan and Kaye Yerkovich, our love styles are closely related to the way we were raised, and our love styles can be put into 5 categories accordingly.



The pleaser


Pleasers are often raised by parents who are obsessively protective, bad-tempered, and critical. Instead of receiving love and praise from their parents, pleaser children try hard not to bother their parents and always behave themselves. By giving in and making up for their mistakes quickly, their aim is to avoid provoking a negative response from their parent(s).


When pleasers grow up, they have learned to read the moods around them to make sure they can keep everyone happy. However, when pleasers are stressed out and think they are continuously disappointing someone, they tend to escape because pleasers always put others’ feelings in the first place. 


To build a healthy relationship, pleasers should focus more on themselves. 



The victim


Victims are often born in a chaotic environment. Being quiet and invisible, victims can hide themselves from their raging and violent parents for a moment. In their head, they often build an ideal place void of sorrow and pain. They usually have lower self-esteem and it is easy for them to be immersed in depression. 


They usually end up marrying controllers who are like their parents. Since they are used to chaos, they may feel uncomfortable when they experience peace and calmness. 


For victims, the first step is to love themselves.



The controller


In controllers’ childhood, they are exposed to insecurity and danger, which makes them feel vulnerable. Controllers must take control of everything because they believe in this way, feelings like fear, humiliation and helplessness are gone.


As they grow up, controllers often use anger as a weapon. They stick to their rigid schedules and feel pleased in their comfort zone. They tend to solve problems on their own in a certain manner, or they may get furious. 


To form a healthy relationship, controllers need to learn how to let go and trust others.



The vacillator


The parents of vacillators are unpredictable. Children’s needs are not their priority, which brings vacillators the feelings of abandonment. As they enter their adulthood, what they desire is a stable and consistent relationship. Vacillators tend to picture the ideal relationship, but when it does not reach their standards, they feel doubtful and depressed. They are extremely sensitive and often feel misunderstood in relationships. 


It is better for them to get to know others before committing too soon.



The avoider


The value of the avoider’s home is usually independence and self-reliance, and thus they learn to take care of themselves at a rather young age. They need their personal space. They cherish logic more than emotions. 


For avoiders, they need to learn how to open up and express their feelings and emotions.



If you are one of the mentioned love styles, try to figure out what you need to change and make yourself an ideal love life. 

1 Answer

These messages are for mutual support and information sharing only. Always consult your doctor before trying anything you read here.
I don’t know. What category I actually fall under I was raised by a very strict religious father he is a Baptist minister who would be abusive at times He would go overboard with the punishment spank us and And be over religious with us forcing us to attend church all the time my dad had his favorites my brother and my two sisters I tended to be the Black sheep of the family and when my brother got around 13 and out of hand then my dad started to cracking down on him but by then it was too late and my dad and my brother would go at it a lot my mother she was a very sweet person but she had a very low self-esteem herself she was raise during the great depression era where the man was the boss and did everything my father said and Hardly ever argued with my dad so grew up taking most the blunt end of a lot of stuff My father kept us Isolated from the world so after high school  I married the first person that showed me any affection we had 6 children together but that didn’t last very long  10 yrs we ended up divorcing and then I got remarried a second time but that was only because I was lonely and that didn’t last very long 5 years Exactly  then I got married the third time but my third wife I love her dearly but she is very controlling and she allows her kids to control her her kids are grown adults and They still live at home and They control her very very much and my wife is very controlling with me and very critical with me and she cut off sexual intercourse with me altogether we haven’t had sex in about 3 1/2 years and I miss it very much and I’ve been faithful to her I haven’t cheated on her So what category would I fall under???
Maybe the vacillator or victim??? Not sure...The point is, you gotta find a way to make your relationship better. Use your strengths to overcome your weaknesses.
Sounds like all the above! Your dad had good intentions but looks like you had little freedom to figure out who you are growing up. As an adult, your confusion may be leading to unhappiness. Your newest wife does not sound too sane. Sounds like you have landed with a power and control person. Now your supporting her children. No doubt she has ways to make you anxious. Make a list of what you want in life and start working on it.Get out where its quiet and think. Charge the kids rent, put half aside for downpayment on their own homes etc... get your life back or go looking for a happier place.
We love you White Feather.